I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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