I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize