You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
