it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
