I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize