Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
