I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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