I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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