i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
