We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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