Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
