The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
