Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
