I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
