if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
