if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
