a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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