I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
