I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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