Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
