I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize