chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
