i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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