If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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