Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
