In the future we'll all be gay
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
