I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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