what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
