my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
