I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
