I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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