god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
