Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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