You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
