Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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