Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
