I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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