I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize