Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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