thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
