There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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