Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize