note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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