yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
