I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i love accidental penises.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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