I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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