im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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