She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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