bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
