Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
