i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize