So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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