If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
