pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
