my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
