Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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