There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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