K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
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