My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
