i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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