FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
