Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
