Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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